Some people define not having a set destination as freedom; I think it’s a natural law of living on this earth that we forget. We don’t know how it is all going to turn out. Many deny this uncertainty with illusions of security often found in others telling them what to do. However, you create an authentic life when you stop self-abandoning and listen to parts of you that you have pushed away. If that feels hard to access, everyone can just bugger off, including you. This will give you the space to listen.
If you are going to “fuck off,” as others might see it (aka do something that capitalism and fear tell you you shouldn’t), for god’s sake, do it properly. That means listening to the unlived lives you wanted, your whys for needing to feed them, and starting the journey to honor the parts of you that you have denied for way too long. Whether it’s an inside exploration or an outside one, they are often the same thing in the end.
“You are so brave!” I get this because I chose to take a gap between a layoff and returning to school to travel solo to explore some of my interests that take a back seat when I work full time. Thanks for being a witness to moving through the world, but I tell ya, you too can bugger off. And it pains me that others think this is so brave. What am I missing? It’s brave to have kids, it’s brave to lock yourself into a mortgage, it’s brave to give your life to a paycheck. Being willing to be lost in an unfamiliar place, to risk getting hurt, to be attacked, not to know the language. That sounds like working in corporate America to me. Bravery is relative. You do brave things every day, see them, and use that energy to do more daring things that matter to you.
Decide to do so and articulate your why and how because, let’s face it, you might have to explain this to your loved ones. I suggest finally throwing a bone to your unlived lives. We can’t live them all, but if you deny or suppress what’s inside of you, what is inside you will come out in strange, unconscious ways like projection, self-harm, uncomfortable jokes, or worse, being bitter and envious of those who are doing what you want to do.
You can honor your unlived lives with small daily acts or with a few days, weeks, or months to explore and discover the depth of your passions or interests. Your soul will thank you for the intentional gift of time, energy, and resources you’ve allowed the starving parts of yourself. Many of us can’t completely change our lives for a dream life, but we can honor that part of us that wants more access to the dream. Say you love cooking but didn’t want the full-on lifestyle of a chef. You can give that unlived life respect by perfecting a recipe at home once a week or by taking a tagine cooking class in Morocco if you can swing it. Your inner chef will appreciate your listening to its requests and being creative in the kitchen. This act could save you from putting down other people’s meals as not good enough because you’ve extinguished the inner critic’s projections with your attention and compassion for your desire to be met.
Notice when life opens up for you to do the thing. Maybe you get laid off, or someone offers to care for your mom or kids for a night. Notice life is trying to give you a lucky break even in the guise of loss. This is why when time opens up (layoffs, pandemics, economic collapse) and I have the budget, I feed the inner perfumer, clothing designer, sailer, and bathhouse connoisseur. They inform each other and remix, giving me empathy, innovative combinations, design ideas, and gratitude for all the beauty in this world.
Many wise people have said that if you don’t have a plan for your life, someone else will. Remember that you are the designer of your life. Sure, you have to work within the system to build a safe structure for your risk tolerance, but you get to trust your community, talents, decisions, and skills by making it happen. You're giving yourself a more profound sense of trust and safety by refusing to cut off parts of yourself.
If you feel that you are not the creator of your life, consider the idea if you have it; some part of you, even if it’s a shadow side, might actually want what you have chosen to have in your life, even if it disempowers you. Maybe you want restrictions because it gives you the excuse not to do what you are afraid to do or the routine to meet a toxic productivity standard. That could be hard to face, but it’s helpful to see, perhaps, with a therapist, coach, or trustworthy friend, if that is true. For example, say you wanted to be a doctor on the surface to help people. Perhaps underneath, you were after the status of it, and now you are stuck with the commitment of being a health provider, and the status isn’t what you thought it would be, and it's so hard to get off that train and feed other parts of you. We are human; it happens to the best of us, but we can see who runs the show when we recognize that these subconscious impulses are conscious now, and we can change who or what is running our lives.
One way to get to the heart of how you designed your life is to step off the merry-go-round. Just stop it; if you started it, you can take a break from it. Buck up, Camper! Find a way. There will be consequences, but there are consequences to not knowing yourself and those unlived parts of you that are rearing their hungry heads, trying to get your attention.
A few things I’ve learned to get going…
Permission slip: You have permission to put “yourselves” first. You have permission to say no to unnecessary or unbalanced obligations. If you need help determining what is excessive, let me know I will listen and reflect. If you can’t do it right away, set a date, even if it is in 5 years. It will shine like a lighthouse in the dark, rocky waters of your daily struggle, beckoning you toward the safe path out.
Find out what those unlived lives are. What do you love? What are your hobbies you’d like to give more energy to? What creative practices do you have that are calling for your time and attention? What kind of rest do you need? What do you want to learn? What experiences do you want to have that will inform the next chapter you want to set into motion?
Pick 3, prioritize the list, and then find where you can plug in to do them. This could be at home or abroad, an inner or outer exploration. Follow your excitement, then sleep on it and see if the joy and a little fear at the prospect is still there, then say yes.
Carve out any time or money you can and buy the plane ticket, cabin rental in the woods, studio, book, or whatever you need to do the thing. It doesn’t have to be expensive or grand, just meaningful.
Once you put skin in the game, the rest will unfold. You can plan every step; you can go and get recommendations from locals. The path will appear.
You get to take you with you, so make sure you love your company and trust yourself enough. It likely won’t be all the time, but enough to do what it takes to change the view for yourself inside, outside, or both. If you don’t love your company, start there.
The hardest step is to leave the comfort of familiarity, denial, or the mask that lets you hide. That’s why the fool travels light. Drop the persona, opinions of others, and all the shit you think you need. Pack trust, a little money, a toothbrush, underwear, and whatever your main tools are; that’s all you need.
Don’t wait for people to do this with you; if they want to co-create the experience and bring equal energy, great, but drop the drags. If I waited on people to do the things I wanted to do, I wouldn’t have done 85% of what I did in this life. You don’t want to say, “I would have, but I wanted someone else there.” I truly understand, and ultimately, initiations are done alone. This is a door only one person can walk through at a time. That “someone else” is your inner Self, inner child, future self, ancestors, and those beings you will meet doing the thing. (I realize aloneness is a Western value from an isolated and overly independent place, but roll with me on this point).
It’s humbling to realize that life at home will go on without you being there—notice who misses you and who you miss.
Sink into the process with patience and perseverance, but take the ride!
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What will you do with the information gathered from a proper inner or outer bugger off?
So you took the trip, you got the bareboat skippers certification, you worked on your art, you wrote the book, you felt your feelings, you saw your same old shit show up in a different context, and you realized that it is YOU after all. Longing arose, loneliness, love, joy, excitement, and accomplishment. You rode the multicolored waves of living. Maybe the unlived lives you thought you wanted were dreams of a younger self, and your current self doesn’t want them anymore or wants them differently now. You may realize you want to take that skill, talent, or lifestyle more seriously. Perhaps a new part of you said, “It is now time to learn to tango and open the heart wider to the currency that matters most: love.” So, now you know. What did your unlived lives ask of you?
Whatever the outcome, here’s what you will learn: your heart, your desires, your needs, your truth, yourself. This brings clarity, potency, decision-making, and a richer life. A life that is rich in the ways that matter to you. This process may not bring you wealth, status, or more time, but it will get you back to your center to hear your inner truth, the beloved, whatever you want to call it. Once you are centered in the most updated version of yourself, your priorities change; you’ll prune away things you must, how and who you spend your time with, what is missing in life, what must be dealt with differently, what some more of your blind spots are, where you were selling yourself short, what you need to be brave and do. All of it can come up if you let it, listen to it, feed it fresh fruits, and not sweep it under the dusty rug to get through another day. We are here at Earth School; take that field trip, my friends, and pay attention to all the places you let yourself go.
(For those well acquainted with feeding their unlived lives, please comment on what you do with the experience gained.)